Light
by CindyBaby
Summary: He never expected to stay, he never expected to even want to. Rated T cause it is a bit dark at times and cause I don't want to traumatize anyone.


**Yes, this is another short one-shot. Can't help myself. I don't own four brothers or the quote.**

Dylan Thomas once said "Do not go gentle into that good night... Rage, rage against the dying of the light".

Jack had never really understood that, but he supposed that was kind of the point with poetry. And almost all poetry is about life or death. The beginning and the end. Nothing in between. Like it didn't matter, like what mattered was how you came and how you went. He came into this world screaming, or so he was told, would he still scream when he left it? Or would he quietly accept his fate? Maybe even be grateful that it was finally ending?

He supposed most people didn't view death as a gift, but most people hadn't seen what he'd seen, hadn't felt what he felt, hadn't been forced to fight so hard just to stay alive. You'd think he would value his life more after that, after he fought so hard to keep it from being taken from him, but all he felt now was a hollow void in his heart. He had fought so hard and so long, and now he felt cheated. Like when he was 5 and he was going to be adopted but the couple changed their mind at the last minute.

Sometimes when he wasn't listening to music he listened to people. He listened to them talk about their hopes and their dreams, what they wanted out of life and what they already had. Sadly enough there's always more they want. He's fascinated by the way they see the world, like it's black and white. Everything is simple, he's bad, she's good. He's a criminal, he's an officer. It's almost like they don't notice the shades of grey lingering around every corner of every moment.

He sits on the street and he wonders what they see when they look at him. Only they don't look at him. Because to them, he's not really there. No one ever sees people like him.

He never really liked the quiet. Quiet means something is about to happen, it makes your senses stand on alert, your heart beats faster and your muscles tense. This always happens, because it's instinct. It always happens, until the day your body has realized it's hopeless, and it dosen't want to fight anymore, dosen't want to run. Even now he prefers music to the quiet.

In music he finds himself again.

He know they talk about him. He's used to it, so it dosen't bother him much. He tells himself it dosen't matter what they say, what they think, because he's not going to stay. Not just here in this house, but _here. _He knows he was never meant to stay long.

He talks to him. It makes him nervous but at the same time it dosen't. He knows what to expect now, nothing can surprise him anymore. He's seen it all, or so he thinks. He's confused when he realizes he never saw this coming. He used to know everything.

Slowly he starts to change. Little by little he can feel himself breathe again. He supposes it's the small things that matter most, that mean the most. He asks if he can play hockey. He says he can't, he's never even seen an ice rink. He wonders if the ice he once felt underneath his broken nose counts. He promises to teach him, but Jack knows better than to expect that he will, but he nods. He almost hear the crack in the ice around his heart when he sees a pair of skates waiting for him the next morning. They're not new, but he dosen't notice. It's the first time he's ever gotten something, and he's not sure how to react. It takes him a few hours to remember that everything comes with a price, and he hates himself for hoping for something he knows isin't for him. The ice freeze again, as if there never was a crack there to begin with.

The next day he waits. He's more quiet than usual, more tense. He knows Bobby has noticed but surprisingly he dosen't say anything about it. He continues like before, as if Jack's new (or regained?) silence isin't weird at all. The days pass and Jack realizes that this one time there wasn't a pricetag attached.

He helps Evelyn in the kitchen. She seems to like it, and for some reason he does too. It's warm there, she's warm, and he finds comfort in cooking, and surprisingly enough he's good at it. Or so Evelyn says. He tells himself that some small moments of peace is okay, he can allow himself that. He knows he wont stay long.

Winter turns to spring, and spring turn to summer. He's changed, he can feel it, and he's not sure what to make of it yet. The day he realizes he wants to stay is hard. He locks himself in his room all day and refuses to come out. Angel and Jerry pleads with him, Evelyn begs him, but he can't. He knows they can hear him cry through the door, but it dosen't matter this time. It's different now.

When Bobby comes home from pratice he's mad. Jack can tell from the sounds. He can tell he means it when he tells Jack to please come out, at least to eat something. He swears he wont hurt him. Jack knows he wont. When he opens the door to meet Bobby's eyes he falls apart. For the first time that he can remember he wants to be hugged. He's scared, but the need for comfort is bigger than his fear and he throws himself in Bobby's arms. He catches him and Jack marvels at how easy it all seems. Like he's never been hurt. He confesses then. He tells Bobby he wants to stay. That he wants to stay so bad he can almost taste it. He wants it more than he's ever wanted anything in his life. Bobby says it's okay, because in this house they play for keeps.

Jack feels broken all over again when he explains that he was never supposed to stay long.

It's a year later when Jack realizes that he was wrong. He realizes that the poem didn't make sense to him because he's never seen the light before, and so he never understood why he should fight the dying of it. Now he knows that light is everything that you love, everything that's good and pure and beautiful. Everything that means something. And he wants to fight. He wants to stay.

It's several years later when Jack realizes that he was right afterall. He was never supposed to stay long, but instead of feeling the relief he expected to feel when he was younger and he imagined this moment, all he feels is pain. Not from the wounds, but for the pain he sees in his brothers eyes. His brother. The word has a glow to it even now.

His brother begs him to stay, pleads with him not to give up, and Jack wants to tell him that he's fighting, he's trying, because he wants to stay. He never expected to but he does want to.

Later at the hospital he tells Bobby he was supposed to be gone now, but he isin't and he remembers the dying light in Bobby's eyes when he held him in the snow, and he thinks of the poem again and he finally understands what it means to really fight, to really fight the dying of the light, because he saw it, and when you do you can't help but fight, because it burns so bright and true and good, and you just know that it's worth it, it's all worth it, just to keep it from dying.

Winter turns into summer and he's no longer afraid. He knows that death was supposed to be his escape but he dosen't need it anymore, he hasn't for a long time. He wants to stay, and it means everything.

**Hope ya'll liked this shortie. It's kind of depressing and dark, but at the same time kind of filled with light and hope. I'm a bit down right now, and this story is the result. Hope you liked it tho, please share your thoughts if you want, I really like hearing them. Have a good one everyone!**

**Oh the quote is not mine. It belongs to Dylan Thomas.**


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